Obama Campaign Alleges Collusion Between McCain and Law Enforcement By: John Semmens

The lawyer for Senator Barack Obama’s presidential campaign sent a letter to US Attorney General Michael Mukasey alleging that the FBI was “in league” with the McCain campaign on the voter fraud issue.

“They’re taking a ‘strict constructionist’ perspective and trying to cram it down the throat of the American people,” complained Bob Bauer, the Obama campaign’s general counsel. “Whether a ‘strict constructionist’ view of the law should prevail is one of the issues of this campaign. It is well known that Senator Obama has taken a position that ‘fairness’ ought to take precedence over a rigid adherence the written law. It is our considered opinion that the FBI should refrain from action until the election decides a winner.”

Bauer belittled contentions that vote fraud would be significant enough to determine the outcome. “Let’s say every one of the 1.3 million voters registered by ACORN is phony,” Bauer conjectured. “This is only 1% of the total votes that will be cast. Polls have consistently shown that Senator Obama is leading by far more than 1%. If you do the math you realize that Obama will win regardless. So, rather than feed a controversy that can only serve to divide the nation, we strongly advise against this unnecessary inquiry.”

Candidate Defends “Spread-the-Wealth” Philosophy

In the wake of his unscripted exchange with Joe Wurzelbacher (now known as “Joe-the-plumber”), Democratic presidential nominee Senator Barack Obama tried to explain his now infamous “spread-the-wealth” remark.

“Look, $250,000 is a lot of money,” Obama pointed out. “No one really needs to make this much money, least of all a plumber. It just inflames envy and greed. It’s time everyone pulled together for the common good. For this to happen, some will be called upon to make sacrifices so others can have a taste of the good life.”

Obama characterized his views as “simple justice.” “A father wouldn’t cut unequal shares of pie for each of his children,” he said. “So why should the president tolerate an unequal distribution of the nation’s bounty?”

The Illinois senator called production of wealth a “social process requiring the participation of many hands. The government has to make sure that none of these hands takes too much out of the common pot. This is the fundamental change my campaign has promised will reshape America for the future.”

Running mate, Senator Joe Biden (D-Del) echoed Obama’s views stating, “We’re campaigning as friends of the working class. If ‘Joe-the-plumber’ buys the business he’ll have joined the capitalist class—the guys who’re exploiting the working class. He could hardly expect to get a break from an Obama Administration as a member of the exploiting class. After all, they’re the guys we’re going to be spreading the wealth from.”

In related news, during a break at a meeting at New York’s Waldorf-Astoria Hotel, Michelle and Barack ordered lobster hors d’oeuvres, two steamed lobsters, Iranian caviar and champagne, as an afternoon snack. Barack challenged the contention that the high-priced noshing showed he is a “spendthrift.” “I, personally, didn’t spend one nickel on this,” Obama asserted. “The claim that I am careless with money is just another smear made for political advantage.”

Campaign Donations Transferred to Real Estate Firm

Donors to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) probably were unaware that nearly $100,000 of their contributions have found their way into the hands of the Speaker’s husband for the benefit of his real estate business—Financial Leasing Services Inc.

A bill to ban this frequently criticized and unseemly practice failed to pass congress last year. The Speaker touted the bill as a demonstration that “Democrats are committed to reforming the way Washington does business.” Her flouting of the bill’s provisions has raised some eyebrows and sparked some criticism.

One of the critics is Meredith McGehee, policy director for the nonpartisan Campaign Legal Center. “This kind of self-dealing is an abuse of the system,” McGehee said. “The most powerful member of the House has set a bad example. Others are now more likely to follow this example. This is not the reform she promised voters back in 2006.”

Pelosi offered a spirited defense of her seemingly contradictory behavior saying that “while the practice may be reprehensible, it’s not illegal. Until it is, I see no reason why I should be held to a higher standard than the law allows.”

Newspaper Lists Names, Addresses of Registered Non-Voters

In what the publisher said was a bid to ensure that every eligible vote is cast, the Tennessee Tribune published the names and addresses of persons registered to vote, but who had failed to cast ballots in the last election.

Rosetta Miller-Perry, president and publisher of the Tennessee Tribune justified what many have called “an invasion of privacy” and “an invitation to fraud.” “The failure to cast a ballot is a blot on the community,” she contended. “We’ve got to do whatever we can to get the vote counts up.”

This isn’t the first time this paper has done this. A similar list was published prior to the last election and the number of ballots cast was boosted from 2004’s 37% turnout of registered voters to 2006’s 65% turnout.

Miller-Perry discounted the risk that this higher vote total could have included bogus votes. “I suppose it’s possible that this information could be used to forge documents so that others would be able to cast fraudulent votes,” she admitted. “But is this truly worse than having fewer than 50% of the potential votes cast?”

In related news, Ohio Secretary of State Jennifer Brunner hailed the US Supreme Court’s decision declaring that she need not verify 200,000 voter registrations that have discrepancies in names, addresses, and other identification data. “I’d rather have 200,000 ineligible votes cast than run the risk of denying one legitimate voter the right to exercise the franchise,” Brunner said. “I’m glad to see that the Supreme Court’s decision has vindicated my sentiment on this matter.”

Lawyer Asks Court to Issue “Cease-and-Desist” Order to McCain Campaign

Kansas City lawyer and supporter of Barack Obama, Mary Kay Green, has filed a lawsuit in federal court asking that Arizona Senator John McCain’s presidential campaign be ordered to cease its negative portrayal of Senator Barack Obama (D-Ill) on the grounds that it is adversely affecting her health.

“I used to sleep easy in the confident expectation that Senator Barack Obama would be our next president,” Green stated. “But Senator McCain and his running mate’s persistent attempts to undermine Obama’s ascent to the office of president are causing me terror of the heart, anxiety and grave fear. My health has been put at risk of irreparable damage.”

The suit argues that the only way to avert this irreparable damage is for the court to block further campaign activities and statements by the McCain/Palin ticket. “My belief in the omnipresent goodness and wisdom of Senator Obama is being threatened,” Green continued.

Green drew a parallel with the day she was told that there was no Santa Clause. “I was at the junior prom when my date mentioned that there was no Santa Claus,” Green recounted. “My classmates backed him up. My whole world was turned upside down. I don’t want to have to relive those feelings.”

Pumpkin Thief Demands Justice

A 19-year-old man who received superficial buckshot wounds while he was attempting to steal pumpkins from a farm in San Joaquin County, California, expressed his anger that no arrests have been made. “Not only did I have to go to the hospital, but my friend’s Lincoln Navigator was damaged,” the man complained.

The man, whose name is being withheld by the police, claimed he was merely engaged in “spreading the wealth” when he was shot by the property owner. “This guy has a giant field full of pumpkins,” he said. “I have none. This is the unfairness Obama warned us about.”

The shooting victim predicted that “this kind of thing won’t be happening once Obama is president. People won’t have guns lying around to shoot others with.”

Congressman Says He Is Victim in Sex Scandal

Congressman Tim Mahoney (D-FL) is under fire for agreeing to pay $121,000 in “hush” money to a former mistress who was set to file a sexual harassment suit against him when he fired her from his campaign staff.

“The point is, I was paying her for sex,” Mahoney said. “When she cut me off I had no further use for her. It’s not like she knew anything about campaigns or advertising. She’s the one who reneged on the agreement we had. Then she blackmailed me. Clearly I’m the victim here. I just hope the voters will appreciate that.”

Senior Democratic leaders in the House of Representatives have been working with Mahoney to try to keep the scandal from hurting his re-election campaign.

John Semmens got his start writing about politics for his college newspaper. Since then, he has written more than 600 articles that have been published. In addition to "Semi-News," John's opinion pieces have appeared in many newspapers around the country--including the Wall Street Journal, Washington Times, and many others.